i’m not playing hard to get…i don’t know how to talk
kinda sensitive, kinda heartless
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Lil bubs.
Loving insanity pt. 8 {{Jerome Valeska x Reader}}
Author Note: Thank you so much again @rainbowspouses for all the help with this part!!! Love you babes!!!💜💜💜 MWAH~💜🐢
Length: really long
Requested: request/collaboration
Warnings: SMUT!!!!, mentions of murder
_____________
A loud noise rings throughout the quiet room as the door is unlocked and opened, Jerome emerges in his arkham uniform and shackled at his hands and feet…his prominent smile upon seeing you was hard to miss.
“It sure has been a while, hasn’t it doll?”You looks up at him, a frown stained on your lips.
“Take a seat Mr. Valeska.”You tried to stay professional but it was hard. You flipped through the file the threw it on your desk and ran a hand through your hair.
“Why?”Jerome’s smile falters at first before plastering back on his face double the size it was before. He realized what you were doing. Jerome can tell that you had missed him just as much as he has missed you, but you areholding back…two can play at that game. He took a seat with his elbows resting on your desk leaning impossibly close.
“You know, sweetheart! I’ve never liked it when you frown, gorgeous, but my my, I must admit, you’ve always looked so beautiful when you do,” he utters slowly in a deep guttural tone as he stares you down.You gulped. You had to stay professional or else they may take him away from you. You sat straight up in her chair.
“I asked you a question Mr. Valeska and I would appreciate you answering it. In case you forgot the question I am obliged to repeat it. Why did you kill your mother?”You didn’t like it. The way you had to talk to him. You felt as if the two of you were complete strangers. Hell you would do anything just to be able to hug him and kiss him and tell him how much you had missed him. But you couldn’t. In your eyes there was a deep conflicting pain but you still kept your composure.
He gives you a hard stare and leans back in his seat. He rubs his chin with his hand, appearing to be deep in thought. He wasn’t thinking about what he was going to tell you, although he was almost certain that is what you’re expecting. He’s thinking about how much this hurts, he knows deep down why you are behaving this way…if anybody here finds out that the new hire had a thing with him, they’ll never be able to see each other again.Even though, he definitely knows that this is what’s going on deep down, all common sense is going out the window. He is starting to bubble with anger and he is trying hard not to let it take over, but he’s loosing his patience!
He leans forward again and slams his hands down on the desk hard, his eyes intently staring you down. His face becomes stone, as his eyes turn dark and his tone becomes malicious; venom-laced even“You know damn well why I killed that whore of a mother, you know exactly the stuff she has done! The bitch had it coming and for you to sit here and trying to pretend like you have no clue isn’t really setting well with me, doll…cut the act!”
He felt guilt wash over him immediately, you had never witnessed him behave like this before.You jumped in your seat when he slammed his fists down. Your eyes widened with fear. You were shaking. You scribbled down what he said and then shakily went to another question.
“H-How d-did you you feel when yo-u k-killed her?”You looked down pretending to be ready to write but really you were trying to avoid his gaze. You were scared and there was no hiding it. Hell you could barely get your question out.
You tried to control your shaking and regain your composure and you managed to do both, but your grip had over obviously gripped tighter on the clip board.He was back to growing impatient at this point. You weren’t really paying him the attention that he wants. He figures he might as well play along and indulge you by answering your questions.
He relaxes his shoulders, shrugging nonchalantly at the question. He hums to himself, looking up towards the ceiling thoughtfully as his mind works through how exactly he wants to express his feelings to you. Suddenly, he looks at you and giggles.“You really want to know how it felt to kill my mother? One word comes to mind to describe the whole experience, doc: energetic! I know what you just be thinking, hmmm, ‘what is energetic about something like this?’ Fear not, I’ll happily inform you doll. You just had to be there: the cooling atmosphere blanketed in death, her cries for help that mirrored my own as she used to beat me, the heady scent of her warm blood spilling with each time my blade met her flesh. It felt liberating to watch her take her final breaths right before my eyes. I guess what I’m getting at is that, although I am locked away for what I presume is a lifetime, I am actually finally free…free from that bitch that I sadly had to refer to as my mother…trust me, doll face, can I call you doll face…ah, what the hell I will anyhow *laughs before turning serious once more* I have no remorse for what I’ve done…I regret none of it, the only thing that saddens me is that I can’t experience the thrill of killing her all over again…given the opportunity, I would take it every damn time”
He finishes and stares at you expectantly awaiting your response.You gulped. The way he described it was horrifying to say the least but you still scribbled it down. “Next…. Question….”
You looked up and watched as the guard left for lunch duty. Which means you could ask more personal questions and not have to worry. You moved your chair so that it was right in front of his.
“Jerome you could have stayed with me… We would still be able to cuddle and night and kiss each other in the morning. Why couldn’t you just walk away?”Your whole body posture changed. You seemed more relaxed and back to your normal self.
He instantly relaxed, taking notice of your change in demeanor. If Jerome is being honest, this is the first time he has been comfortable around Y/N since your little reunion. He really had to think about this question…he honestly had no idea what to tell you because he didn’t have an answer for himself. ‘Why couldn’t I just walk away? I wouldn’t be where I am now’ he thought to himself. The worst part isn’t where he ended up, because as Jerome always says, 'every choice has a consequence’, no, what bothers him the most is the loss of the one person that truly cares for him…all the time he spent here, could have easily been spent with his doll face if only he had just walked away.He looks at you with sorrowful eyes.
“I don’t know why I couldn’t walk away…I had every intention of doing so, doll…please believe me! I went to talk to her, to tell her that I had planned to stay in Gotham, that I no longer wanted to travel with the circus…everything I could ever want was here…with you! But, you know how my nagging mother is, she JUST…KEPT…PUSHING! I went there with every intention of walking away and things escalated fairly quickly doll, if I do say so myself. One minute we’re screaming at each other, the next thing minute I push her to the ground…I barely touched the drunken Whore yet there she was crying in pain on the floor of the trailer! I’m not going to lie, it was mesmerizing seeing her like that…she looked like a helpless animal. It was in that moment that I finally realized, he life was in my hands…I was the one in control. One thing led to another and well, you know what happened next”He makes quick stabbing motions with his hands and choking noises as he falls into a fit of hysterical giggles.
There was a look of sorrow in your eyes. This wasn’t the Jerome you knew… but you could tell he was still in there. You refused to give up on him. You slowly reached forward and grabbed one of his cuffed hands. You looked him directly in the eyes.“And if you could go back….”
You had empathy in your eyes. You were the Y/N he knew. You weren’t the clueless Psychiatrist you were forced to pretend to be. You weren’t the scared girl from earlier. You weren’t the stranger from the beginning. No. You could be yourself. You were yourself.You looked up at the clock to check the time and knew they didn’t have very much longer together. And you weren’t going to let it go to waste. You smashed your lips against his and kissed him more passionately than you ever had before. When you parted from his lips you leaned your forehead against his.
“What would you choose?”His heart is pounding in his chest. He forgot just how soft your lips were against his. As your forehead rests against his, nothing else matters. The anguish your conversation has dissipated…in this moment, everything that he is familiar with when it comes you is coming back to him head on with sheer force. His senses are on fire as he steadily inhales that sweet smell he has missed for so long, a smell that is so uniquely YOU! He has become so distracted by you enveloping him in every sense of the word, that it slipped his mind that you asked him a question. He knows the answer to this question, no matter how you word it…no matter when the question is asked, the answer will always be the same.
“You…doll face, I would choose you! It would always be you”The look of sadness overtakes his features as he pulls away from his lover.
“But, it’s too late for that…We can’t change what I have done…we can’t make it better.”He leans into your touch, staring deeply into your soul, and with a faint whisper.
“No matter how bad we wish we could.”You heaved a sad sigh.
“So I’m guessing that means no white picket fence and a big house and kids and no Barbecue on the weekends, huh?”You giggled a little before frowning. You took both his hands in yours and twiddled with his fingers. You were starting to get lost in thought. Thought about how things would be and could be right now. But at this point it felt like a far away dream. Just out of reach.
“But hey at least I can see you whenever you 'need’ to see a phycologist . I had to fight to get the position as your personal phycologist. You seem to be a popular case around here.”Jerome had become lost in thought himself at the mere mention of you wanting to have a family with him! The idea leaves a funny feeling in the pit of his stomach…there is a small part of him that wants the good old 'American dream’ as they say, but there’s no point in dwelling on that now.
It’s not until you mentioned how popular he is around here, that he draws away from his thoughts and back into the conversation! A grin wide enough to make the Cheshire Cat appear solemn spreads across his face.“Oh doll, you have no idea! I’m not just popular with the shrinks *laughs* I pretty much run the place. Arkham has become my own little paradise! I’m a star and everyone knows it!”
His grin softens into a look of pure love and fascination.“You being here is the only thing that could have really livened up this lackluster place, and I’ll be damned if dreams don’t come true.”
You go to say something when you hear a knock on the door.You rolls your eyes and stand up and walk to it. You put on a fake smile and open the door.
“Yes can I help you.”A guard looked down at you.
“Valeska needs to return to his cell.”“Well we are just finishing up here so I’ll bring him to his cell when we are finished.”
The guard hesitated before nodding and moving along. You shut the door and sighed before turning back to Jerome.
“So, what now, doll?”Jerome grinned mischievously
“How much time do we have before you have to send this big bad guy away?”“Well I get off work at 11, it is 9:55 now. All therapists, consolers, and psychiatrists have to stop doing appointments at 10:15 for safety reasons so I’d say a good 20 minutes.”
You walked back and sat on your desk and sighed.
“25 counting how long it will take to get you back to your cell.”You crossed your legs and folded your hands in your lap. While waiting for a response.
A beaming smile takes over his features.“There’s a lot I could do in twenty minutes, doll.”
He leans in towards you and inhales deeply.
“What do you say, Y/N…wanna have some fun before I have to leave you?”
It feels as though the world has stopped as he patiently-maybe not as patiently as he thinks-awaits your response with bated breath.She smirked.
“Thank god for sound proof office rooms.”He walked to you quickly and started to make out with you roughly. You parted your lips a tiny bit and Jerome took this as an opportunity to shove his tongue into your mouth. His tongue explored every inch before he parted panting heavily.
He dove towards your neck and immensely peppered it with kisses. As much as you loved foreplay you didn’t have time for it now.“Jerome no hickies. They will see. Plus we don’t have time for foreplay. If someone walks in we are both screwed…. And not in the fun way.”
He let out and over dramatic sigh but quickly helped you get your skirt off. Your panties were soon to follow.You quickly took his pants and boxers off. Both of you were in a rush at this point. Both were scared of getting caught.
He pushed you back farther onto your desk and spread your legs apart. He took his finger and circled it around your entrance a few times before shoving it into you. After a few pumps he added another finger.He covered your mouth as a precaution to muffle your moans. Your stomach was in a knot and right as you felt your high coming on he removed his fingers.
You whimpered from disappointment. He looked you in the eyes and peppered kisses all over your face. He lined himself up at your entrance and asked.“Are you ready doll?”
You nodded and with one quick thrust he filled you up. Tears clung at the edges of your eyes but you ignored it. He gave you some time to adjust before he started thrusting.You threw your head back and wrapped your arms around his neck. Your muffled moans only made him more turned on. He slammed into you harder and harder. Your stomach was in knots again and before you could say anything you came. A few more thrusts and he came too with a groan.
He kissed you on the lips gently and ran his fingers through your hair.“I love you doll.”
“I love you too.”You put your panties and skirt back on and fixed your hair.
“We should probably get you to your cell before people start to get curious.”He smirks as he kisses you again, trying to level his breathing. He pulled up his boxers and his pants and looked at you.
“Whatever you say, doll face! Feel free to take me away!”He laughs maniacally as he holds his arms out for you to take.
________________As you are closing his door, he turns and grabs your wrist to stop you. He looks into your eyes with his own pleading orbs.
“Hey, this isn’t the last time I’ll see you is it, because I really have missed you. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, wondering if you hate me or not. I know that you had no idea where I went and what happened, you must have thought I abandoned you. *quick laugh* But, if I lose you again, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it. I love you!” He brings your hand up to his lips and softly places a kiss before smiling at you.You kissed him on the lips and holds his hands. You look up into his eyes.
“My dad wouldn’t tell me where you were and I thought you had gone with your mom and left me. I cried for so long and I was heart broken. Jerome I’m in love with you and I swear I will never leave you. Hell Im your personal psychiatrist.”You laughed and kissed him again and hugged him tightly.
“I will always be here when you need me. Just start throwing a tantrum and I’ll be right there!”He can’t help the thought of marrying you crossing his mind briefly.
“A tantrum huh, oh doll, you know me…I’ve got that covered! I’ll be throwing so many tantrums, you won’t know what to do with yourself!”You laughed and kissed his forehead.
“One day I’ll get you out of here. We can leave Gotham and get married and have a family and play competitive Uno on family game night.”You laughed and smiled. A voice sounded over the speaker.
“Y/N Gordon, you are need immediately back at your office for a patient Emergency. Please come immediately.”You sighed ,“ it must be Blake.”
You gave Jerome a kiss on the cheek before turning to leave.
“I’ll see you around, doll face!”He hated to see you go, but he knew he would see you again soon.
Understand
I need you to understand as young women we are taught not to talk about what we need. We are taught this because we are not supposed to speak our needs but bend to the needs of others. More specifically men. We are taught that their needs must come first. We must feed them. Clean for them. Fulfill their sexual desires wether they are wanted or not. We are taught as women to take what we are given and keep our mouths shut to be grateful. You see most men don’t realize this because it is a norm. It’s supposed to happen that way. You live by example. As a woman I find myself wanting to live outside of the norm. I find myself tiring of being bent to the will of men. Thinking that if it didn’t work the first three times then that makes me undesirable to all. That it is okay to have the idea that you must wait for what you want. That it’s not okay to express yourself or if you do it makes others uncomfortable. That it is not okay to not know what you’re feeling but once you do…it’s unacceptable. That your needs should be put on hold. But I need. I need so much. I need the understanding that I don’t always know what to say. I need the understanding that I mess up and take things out of hand. I need the understanding that it takes me awhile to notice that. I need the understanding that I am manic 95% of my life all because of genetics I didn’t ask for. I need the understanding that I need to feel small because the world scares me and I want to feel protected. I need the understanding I don’t like temporary people because I have abandonment issues from a father who didn’t want to stay. I need the understanding that I bottle things up because that is what I watched my mother do. I need you to understand I give my heart to people who don’t deserve it because I think I can help them. I need you to understand I just about death because that’s how I learned to cope when I’m sad. I need you to understand I flinch because someone’s hands touched me when they shouldn’t have. I need you to understand that if I need you it might not be for forever. I need you to understand that it’s never easy. I need you to understand that it hurts. I need you to understand I will move on. I need you to understand I will never put your needs before my own. I need you to understand.
Awestruck
The way she looks at him is like looking at the moon for the first time. Completely awestruck and in love.